Even the Happiness is temporary !

I have a million thoughts running through my head right now. What a wild animal the mind is. Oscillating from one feeling to the next, jumping from one emotion to the other. Sometimes I want to spend time alone with my mind, with no distractions. But that’s a bad idea I suppose.

I can’t help it if I can’t take life seriously and it’s not the everlasting thing. You might think I’m weird.

I don’t know why, but on a few occasions I just start crying, I think of all the bad things in my life, and I get depressed. I am not better at all. But to you I am just a girl smiling as she passes by.

I just want to be happy, to be genuinely happy for a long time. But this sadness just keeps coming back. It’s holding me down. Yesterday I was so great but now I’m terrible.

Why can’t things get better permanently for once??????

Funny how I start writing as soon as I’m disturbed. It terrifies me how easily I get upset and my whole night can turn bad. I feel like I’m getting into that “I just want to sleep all the time habit”.

Sometimes I think I was a sociopath, honestly. Life would be so much easier without feelings and compassion.

My writing has taken on two simultaneous purposes. One to figure out my own weaknesses and the other to figure out my strengths. Except, if I look close enough, it is neither that make me what I am inside, nor does it compromise on a single aspect of my own existence. Not when I am a BRAVE HEART.

I can’t help but feel that my whole life was staged. I do not like ultimatums and yet I give one every day to the world and to myself. It takes three things to defuse a bomb……. Patience, Knowledge and Steady hands.

 

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I met a man, I liked him. Up until I decide he was just like all the rest, love happened.

“although science could pinpoint the exact spot in the brain that ignites rage, they had yet to identify the location that produces love.” – Doctors by Erich Segal.

I’m doing good, as I always say. Because maybe I am. Despite monotone and turbulences, somehow, I am doing okay. On a scale of chirpy to exhausted, I’m dangling right in the middle, but a little bent to the brighter side.

Dandelions and daisies, turned into dried rose petals behind glass walls. Playing my favorite Bollywood songs in the background, sometimes I feel all I’ve written has already been written down, told days ago, I feel I say the same things over and over, and YOU listen anyway.

 

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I had all the time I wanted and yet I never knew how I suddenly was in a relationship with you that has no status and how you can literally spend all your time with someone for days and still not know their favorite color. Friendships (we can name it for now) are a little like sex, intimate but concealing. Stress has gotten to my head and every time I try to spit words like venom out of my system, my eyes smile a little less than they did the last time.

I do not deserve YOU and yet I know for the first time someone will fight to keep me. That’ll kill me for sure. I have to hide away.

A New Path

My story did not write the way I planned it. I penned happily ever after. I penned the fairy tale ending with the same man I married at 24.

I penned one man, one love, and one life.

My pen stopped working at 32, and I was re-writing my story in the middle. My story being a best-selling novel of love, ended in a sad and tragic way.

Best sellers often do, I suppose.

You weren’t supposed to die when our babies could barely walk. You weren’t supposed to leave us alone on this earth to find our way without you.

But YOU did.

I know you didn’t want to go. I know you didn’t choose to go. I imagine your last thoughts would have been of us. The soul within me still thinks of you. I never wanted more. I never expected more. Continuing the story didn’t seem possible or even tolerable. I had my fairy tale – it just ended too soon.

After death, I found my true self. Grieving makes you stop and take stock of who you’ve been, who you are, and who you want to be. I slowed down; I listened to my voice, and I found my way. It’s quiet after death in the wee hours of the night when you can’t sleep and your heartaches from not being able to speak the words you desperately wish that you could. The shadows dance and your mind will begin to stretch as your spirit grows.

You can still live this life – was my inner voice.

The moment came where I felt ready to move forward towards the life I wanted for my remaining days. That didn’t have to include anyone other than my babies and myself – for the first time in a long time I was ready to write my story alone.

Enter you – YOU were not in the plan.

You stepped into my novel in a slow and gentle manner. You showed grace towards my grief. You were patient with my uncertainty. You showed a quiet understanding, ability to listen, and allowed for space where it was necessary.

You are your own amazing self and we are creating our own amazing story.

What was had is not what will be, and the fairy tale is not in the ending of the story but rather the journey of the story itself.

I want you to know I don’t wish things were different. I want you to know that I want you in my story. I want you to know that as difficult as life has been – every day with you tops my grateful list.

I want you to know that when you kiss me, I blush and when you text me to say, “I love you bubbles” my heart smiles.

The exchange between us, sappy as it is, speaks volumes of our relationship.

You aren’t in my life because he died. You are in my life because it is your place to be. You are in my life because I made room for you and you made room for me.

Your eyes are captivating and when we meet I find myself getting lost in your soft and welcoming glare.  You make me laugh in the most understated and intelligent way.  I laugh at your texts, I laugh when we speak on the phone. Laughing had become so profoundly important to me post loss.  Life is painfully short,  and my loss had taught me so much about what I was looking for in my future – laughter topped my list.

I’ve picked up the pen and continued to write with an intense fervor and fire. Life’s been a journey, I’ve seen joy, I’ve seen regret, but I know that as I continue to write my story, it will only be as beautiful as I allow it to be.

If I am asked today, whether being happy can happen post loss, and without even a seconds hesitation my answer will be a resounding – YES!

The human spirit is capable of immense love.

You don’t replace the man that came before with the man that came after. You absorb the love, the lessons, and you morph into a deeper soul capable of abundant love and a special perspective.

Love is not mutually exclusive and human beings are not replaceable. I’m not moving on – I’m moving forward. I’m writing beautiful new chapters with a man who has the emotional capacity and understanding.

No other place I’d rather be.

This is beautiful, I am trying to live the happiest life that I can. And the Thanks is to YOU, helping me realize that I deserve to be my best.

For the first time in a very long time I felt like the world was made up of just me and one other human being.

I am not sure in this moment why our paths had crossed, but I know deep in my gut you would be, in some capacity, part of my story.

To what extent, only time would tell………

A LETTER TO MYSELF

“If you had it all to do over,  would you fall in love with yourself again”

 

We all are happy to receive letters….. aren’t we? Though the days are gone now, taken over by technology, the posts that we used to receive are rarely seen. Times have changed, hand-written letters have transformed to emails. But that can’t stop anyone who still want to write. So why not write one to yourself when there is nobody to do so. And when in future you read it to yourself it will bring joy and happiness. We can all do that. At any age reading the same letter will always bring back some reaffirmation every time. Being nice to oneself, loving and taking care of oneself is very important. Only if we are happy and at peace with ourselves we can make our environment lovable.

 

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Believe it or not, self-investment does reap rich dividends. Loving yourself is not vanity, but it is sanity.  It is an honest letter to myself.

 

Dear Me,

 Let me first wish you all the love, luck and happiness in the years to come. 2016 had been a great year in all terms for you. I know you would not want to look back, for the resentful experience life had given you. You are secure, comfortable and pleased with the choices you have made in the last years. I know you are happy with the life you have lived, the dreams you have realized, the love you have created and the kids you have. Nothing is comparable to the affection of the kids you are getting. I am sure your conscience rests easy.

 I love how you have captured various appealing and engaging capacity over the years. From an impetuous, spontaneous, dogmatic, academic girl to a confident, self-reliant, independent woman you have come a long way. You have always been inquisitive, opinionated with multiple interests. You are a great company to be with, how easily you mingle with people.

 Sometimes you have been a bit head-strong, but I don’t think there is anything wrong if it is related to the decisions for yourself. The callibre of learning a bit about everything is the most I like about you. You have never given up on your morals, values and principles and kept them alive in your kids. You have lived life on your own terms. Do you remember how much you have laughed and then cried on things from the birth of your daughter to the love of your husband. I remember it all. The joyous moments, incredible love!!

 You are happy even today with those wrinkles, dark circles and the extra flesh on your body. You are scared of silly things even today. You give it all in raising your kids and being a decent human being.

Always remember you are Wonderful and Unique in your own ways!!!

 All good wishes for a healthy and happy life.

love you always

SHWETA

My life my choice

Somethings are really free in this world. And No, I am not talking about love, luck or destiny here. I am pointing out to that community or class of people who are never too busy or hesitant to share their piece of FREE ADVICE.

You just step out of your house and you meet your so-called well-wishers, just waiting to pounce their opinion and suggestions on any topic or issue. Yes, and they don’t even charge you for this, the nonessential consultation is just free of cost. You can catch or connect this species wherever you go. Not necessary to meet them in person, privileged on phone calls as well.

 

DON’T JUDGE MY CHOICES, WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING MY REASONS. DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHAT I’M DOING, WORRY ABOUT WHY YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT WHAT I’M DOING.

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You must be wondering why am I criticizing them and why is there so much dislike for them. It is just because recently I have confronted them in bulk. But there is no kind of animosity or hatred, just that, it is annoying. At times you leave the house for a cheerful evening walk or some fresh air, but come back home resentful, irritated and argumentative.

I suppose it is no one’s fault. Neither the one who is advising, because this is genuinely done by them out of gratitude, nor your, because you are bound to be genuine to listen to all that crap.

“Don’t you feed your kids? Why are they so thin?”

“Give them this and give them that…blah blah…”

“What do you earn while working from home? Is it enough for yourself and your kids?”

“oh my God !! you have two kids and they are daughters…. God had been biased for you… one son could have changed your life !! “

These are all face-to-face conversations I have had in the past. They are harsh, annoying and relentless. Every decision is insanely analyzed. The offensive aunties or your same age women never miss an opportunity to bring you down. May be this is the only way to make them feel good about themselves. Perhaps they are idle, with really low self-esteem.

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Whatever be it, I have started fighting back. No one will say something rude or intrusive about me and my kids and expect to get away. I will give it back, sometimes sarcastically, at other times in an amusing retorts. And the underlying message would always be, “Mind Your Own Business”.

“My life,My Choice”. If you have a problem with that then keep it to yourself. Unless of course, you are planning to raise my kids, pay my bills, run my home, I have no interest in hearing what you think about my life choices.

It is a fact accepted by me that some people will remain morons, and I should stop being effected by them.

If your strength is small, don’t carry heavy burdens. If your words are worthless, don’t give advice.


 Bottom line: If my actions don’t concern you…..don’t concern yourself with my actions.

This Is Why I Decided To Not Move On After My Husband Died

My seven year old daughter came up to me with tears streaming down her face. She held on to my legs affectionately and through her whimpering sobs asked me,

“Mamma, why is Papa not with us? Can we also go to heaven and be with him?”

That was the brutal reality of my little girl. Every time she saw another girl playing with her father, she would feel miserable. She was too young to understand what had really happened, but she knew that she would never get to see her father again. That is enough to tear apart any seven year old child.

My other daughter is just two years old, so this is way beyond her. But she’s like a little puppy. She just knows when something is not right and comes and hugs me, pulling me with her tiny little hands.  And, they’re all I’ve got left since my husband passed away around one-and-a-half years ago.

The day it happened, I just sat down on the floor and didn’t get up. I didn’t cry, scream, sob, or say another word. They said I had gone into a shock and probably denial; that I didn’t understand fully as to what had happened. But that’s not true, because I did understand.

I understood that I had lost the love of my life, my soul mate and the human being that I adored the most. He was the most amazing father to our little girls and exactly the kind of lover that I needed him to be. I understood that I’d never lay my eyes on him again and that I could never feel that happiness of his touch again. I understood. I just didn’t know how to react.

So, I slipped into a world of my own where my own silence engulfed me and blocked everything else out. I went through every moment with him in my head over and over again while I performed his death rituals almost robotically. I didn’t care about the rituals. I just needed to accept that he’s gone. And, that I did.

But it’s not easy to let go of someone that you love dearly so easily. Friends, family, neighbours, colleagues and whoever else came up to me and told me that it’s all right. That this is a part of life and that I should ‘move on’. I lost my best half and my best friend, and you tell me to get it together and MOVE ON?

What these lovely well wishers of mine do not understand is that it’s not a simple process that gets over within a month’s time. It’s not a step-by-step process! He was an important part of my life and will always be. So, I will never move on from him. Instead, I chose to keep him as the same important part and move forward into a new normal life. You know why? Because it is very much possible to honour the past while embracing the present.

And, that is exactly what I’m doing.

I still grieve his loss, yes. My older daughter still struggles to live with the circumstances because she was so used to her father being around. She’s trying to accept the situation and she’ll eventually get there. It is very difficult to watch her go through this, but I do my best to comfort her by answering her questions or telling stories about him that might make her smile. That weaves itself into a new conversation and the sadness disappears from those beautiful black eyes.

This is what I think – we never choose our lives. I was not prepared to live without my husband. I didn’t have any degree that would term me an expert in dealing with loss and pain. But when I reached the saturation point, I sat back and finally took a long deep breath of relief. When the worst gets over, life happens on its own.

Of course, no amount of time or distance will give way for that ache and sense of loss to exit from me. I still miss the way his laugh sounded, the way his eyes twinkled at me, the way he took care of the girls; his excitement, his passion and everything about him – it was here to stay.

But that is that. I’m living a full and happy life with my children, hoping to piece it altogether and become a whole again. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m getting there with a little bit of self-help, the love that I see in my daughters’ eyes, the support of everyone that I know and of course, his presence that surrounds me. He never really left me.

 

 

 

originally written at http://akkarbakkar.com/

Unlimited FUN without poking your pockets

There can be nothing more exciting than looking forward to the weekends. My little girl wishes the weeks to be just five days where she can plan for three days school and two days unlimited fun on the weekend. She is well aware that mamma is surely going to plan something great for the weekend and I do. I make sure kids are not glued to the screen or spend an unplanned day which may leave them feel dis-organized and overwhelmed. Keeping most of the day unchanged and in routine like the week days I always try to plan an outing with kids.

This weekend we went to Sarasbaug,which is the heart of the city (Pune) and also houses a famous Ganesh Temple also known as Talyatla Ganpati. Thousands of devotees visit the temple daily and the number goes up on occasions and special days. After a little time spent inside the temple we headed towards the adjoining garden area.It is a big garden space with a few swings for children to play and an artificial lake. The lake also has a fountain. The trees and the grass are well maintained. Kids enjoyed playing for some time there, we took the badminton racquets and a ball. After spending about an hour in the greenery we moved out near the adjoining food joints.

Parking for four wheeler is a little problem but as we went there in a cab, it was easy for us.

As we entered the so called “Chaupati” area we could see huge giant wheel and other rides like Columbus, Mary-go-round, Tora-Tora and a few for small kids also, like the Chhota Bheem train and small car ride. The stall honchos rush towards the customer to lead them to their respective stalls. One can imagine the Chaupati similar to the Mumbai Chaupati. There are lots of food joints serving Bhel puri, Paani puri, Pav bhaji and other delicious eateries. They are serving the best chat varieties and other quick-bites including Chinese, South Indian and fast foods dishes. I personally suggest the bhel and pav bhaji, the must-haves and relished by us. Kids bought ballons and candy floss. I had my favorite sweetcorn. As the sun was setting the lights in the area made it a bright and gleamy affair. I could see kids enjoying every bit.

This is a centrally located place in the city, just a kilometer away from the main Swargate bus stand. Commuting is not a problem due to easily available bus and auto-rickshaw services. It proved to be a great place for kids to spend time and take rides. The climate was also one of the factors we enjoyed the outing. The day was spent well within a budget of 5-6 hundred rupees, of course excluding our cab ride to and fro.

My girls are ready to spend another day there, playing and enjoying rides. Being a single parent I want to ensure my girls are getting their share of fun moments like any other child with both parents around. My motto is to guarantee fun and joyful moments as memories and create a strong bond as siblings and as mother-daughter accord. So I keep trying to make the weekends more energizing, wonderful and entertaining.

The much needed “ME-TIME”

I think I have been doing too much and close to my limits. I have been worrying and disheartened enough, not taking time out for myself, maybe. Sometimes you feel so low that even a little thing can bring in the emotional turmoil. People around you actually notice the frustration. I think that’s clearly not fair to starve yourself of some “me-time”.

Everyday we feed our ourselves, our families, our kids and sometimes our friends. But we forget to remember to feed our soul.

Today was that day for me. I woke up early and finished things. Felt contented and convinced. Then had a nap in the afternoon. Went to my friend’s house for tea. Spent sometime in a quiet house with my friend. Talked over that cup of tea, lots and loads of things. Sharing my thoughts, cribbing about things, being a braggart. Not to mention our girly talks. Not worrying about what has happened and what is going to happen. I relaxed and I chatted. I need not mention what I have been stressed about.

 

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What a wonderful time. Sometimes we need quiet and peace inside our minds and outside our bodies. No T.V, no door-bells, no kids. Only calm and hushed.

I suggest everyone to do what they need to feed their souls. Write or read, nap or chat, whatever it is that makes you cool, serene and peaceful. It is not a waste of time or being selfish. It is as much necessary as feeding your tummies. It leads to healthy relationships and healthy YOU within.

Feed your soul for the wholesomeness for your thoughts in any way or anywhere, at home, at play or at work. Feed your soul with good books, real friends or meditation. Its only about spending sometime of your own and gaining peace inside to fight more battles which are yet to come.

CHEERS