I wonder what life would have been, If you were here

I think about you constantly.

I wonder what life would be like if you were still here. I imagine all of the things you’d say. I imagine all of the different adventures we would have gone on.

I wonder who I would be if you were here. I wonder what we would all be like. I think about all of the different ways things would’ve turned out with you in our lives.

I miss you all the time. I miss you so much that my heart hurts. My heart literally clenches tightly when I think of you, as though it’s trying to hold itself together while my thoughts try and tear it apart.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds but, it seems as though time just provided me with a band-aid that gets old and falls off more often than not.

I know you’d hate it, but I still cry for you. I still sit up at night and wish that you were here. I still talk to you and ask you for advice.

I can’t help but want you here. Life has moved on but my heart and emotions haven’t. I can’t move on.

I have your picture everywhere. I think it’s because I’m afraid that one day I’ll forget your face.

God… I hope that never happens.

I don’t remember your voice anymore. I remember things you said, but it’s been so long that your voice has faded from memory.

I refuse to let you fade completely.

I won’t do that to myself. You are the memory that I cling to when things get bad. You are the hope I hold onto when things get dark.

I need you, and your memory is all I have left. So, I’ll keep it alive for you.

I will carry you in my heart wherever I go in life. I will petition God to have you as my guardian angel if that’s what it takes to keep you with me.

I know that you are up there watching me. I know you look down and keep guard over me.

I can only hope that I’m making you proud. I can only hope that I’m what you imagined I’d be in life. I can only hope that you’re smiling at me and not up there shaking your head.

I won’t hope that you miss me as much as I miss you, because missing you is painful. Missing someone is too painful for Heaven to allow inside its gates. It’s too painful for me to wish on anyone, especially you.

I love you.

And I miss you more than you’ll ever realize.

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Love the LEMONS that life gives you

Why do life gives us lemons  and not oranges or apples???….or mangoes??? It would be easy to make fruit juices or smoothies. Maybe lemons are fine as well, as they are expensive these days. You can dry them out and make pickles. No, don’t worry, I am not discussing about the price and the tastes of fruits and veggies.

It’s about the hardships and the difficult times in our lives. At some point of time we all have faced challenges, difficult situations created by someone or as gift from life or misfortunes. We lose hope, fail and regret things. What can be done about such situations……..nothing much but nothing less too!!

While hardships are hard to deal with, they all have the tendency to work out in the end. Make every BAD thing as an opportunity to change, grow and learn. Nothing remains forever, not even the GOOD. You can’t be always eating desserts and chocolates in life.

Think about it…..why measure your life by Lemons??

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Instead, lift a glass and toast it looking on the brighter side. Take the lemon moment……. reminding yourself that it’s possible to make lemonade from the sour times. Offer comfort, care and love to yourself. Rebounce and say I am happy though am having difficult times. Reassurance and confidence is important…..and then lots of chocolates, stupid movie, crazy friends, night outs, party, drinks or whatever makes you chill. When everything turns out super and life starts giving you apples then ask…..…..

AHHAAN!!! what happened to the lemons?????

The old optimistic proverb is “when life gives you lemons,make lemonade”

I would say “When Life gives you lemon detox your life.” Best time to know your friends and foes, time to declutter your life, to understand who really cares and who will stay forever.

 

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So what would your saucy, funny, or pungent line be? Share and complete the phrase………………..

“when life gives you lemon…………….”

CHEERS!!!!!!!

Even the Happiness is temporary !

I have a million thoughts running through my head right now. What a wild animal the mind is. Oscillating from one feeling to the next, jumping from one emotion to the other. Sometimes I want to spend time alone with my mind, with no distractions. But that’s a bad idea I suppose.

I can’t help it if I can’t take life seriously and it’s not the everlasting thing. You might think I’m weird.

I don’t know why, but on a few occasions I just start crying, I think of all the bad things in my life, and I get depressed. I am not better at all. But to you I am just a girl smiling as she passes by.

I just want to be happy, to be genuinely happy for a long time. But this sadness just keeps coming back. It’s holding me down. Yesterday I was so great but now I’m terrible.

Why can’t things get better permanently for once??????

Funny how I start writing as soon as I’m disturbed. It terrifies me how easily I get upset and my whole night can turn bad. I feel like I’m getting into that “I just want to sleep all the time habit”.

Sometimes I think I was a sociopath, honestly. Life would be so much easier without feelings and compassion.

My writing has taken on two simultaneous purposes. One to figure out my own weaknesses and the other to figure out my strengths. Except, if I look close enough, it is neither that make me what I am inside, nor does it compromise on a single aspect of my own existence. Not when I am a BRAVE HEART.

I can’t help but feel that my whole life was staged. I do not like ultimatums and yet I give one every day to the world and to myself. It takes three things to defuse a bomb……. Patience, Knowledge and Steady hands.

 

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I met a man, I liked him. Up until I decide he was just like all the rest, love happened.

“although science could pinpoint the exact spot in the brain that ignites rage, they had yet to identify the location that produces love.” – Doctors by Erich Segal.

I’m doing good, as I always say. Because maybe I am. Despite monotone and turbulences, somehow, I am doing okay. On a scale of chirpy to exhausted, I’m dangling right in the middle, but a little bent to the brighter side.

Dandelions and daisies, turned into dried rose petals behind glass walls. Playing my favorite Bollywood songs in the background, sometimes I feel all I’ve written has already been written down, told days ago, I feel I say the same things over and over, and YOU listen anyway.

 

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I had all the time I wanted and yet I never knew how I suddenly was in a relationship with you that has no status and how you can literally spend all your time with someone for days and still not know their favorite color. Friendships (we can name it for now) are a little like sex, intimate but concealing. Stress has gotten to my head and every time I try to spit words like venom out of my system, my eyes smile a little less than they did the last time.

I do not deserve YOU and yet I know for the first time someone will fight to keep me. That’ll kill me for sure. I have to hide away.

A New Path

My story did not write the way I planned it. I penned happily ever after. I penned the fairy tale ending with the same man I married at 24.

I penned one man, one love, and one life.

My pen stopped working at 32, and I was re-writing my story in the middle. My story being a best-selling novel of love, ended in a sad and tragic way.

Best sellers often do, I suppose.

You weren’t supposed to die when our babies could barely walk. You weren’t supposed to leave us alone on this earth to find our way without you.

But YOU did.

I know you didn’t want to go. I know you didn’t choose to go. I imagine your last thoughts would have been of us. The soul within me still thinks of you. I never wanted more. I never expected more. Continuing the story didn’t seem possible or even tolerable. I had my fairy tale – it just ended too soon.

After death, I found my true self. Grieving makes you stop and take stock of who you’ve been, who you are, and who you want to be. I slowed down; I listened to my voice, and I found my way. It’s quiet after death in the wee hours of the night when you can’t sleep and your heartaches from not being able to speak the words you desperately wish that you could. The shadows dance and your mind will begin to stretch as your spirit grows.

You can still live this life – was my inner voice.

The moment came where I felt ready to move forward towards the life I wanted for my remaining days. That didn’t have to include anyone other than my babies and myself – for the first time in a long time I was ready to write my story alone.

Enter you – YOU were not in the plan.

You stepped into my novel in a slow and gentle manner. You showed grace towards my grief. You were patient with my uncertainty. You showed a quiet understanding, ability to listen, and allowed for space where it was necessary.

You are your own amazing self and we are creating our own amazing story.

What was had is not what will be, and the fairy tale is not in the ending of the story but rather the journey of the story itself.

I want you to know I don’t wish things were different. I want you to know that I want you in my story. I want you to know that as difficult as life has been – every day with you tops my grateful list.

I want you to know that when you kiss me, I blush and when you text me to say, “I love you bubbles” my heart smiles.

The exchange between us, sappy as it is, speaks volumes of our relationship.

You aren’t in my life because he died. You are in my life because it is your place to be. You are in my life because I made room for you and you made room for me.

Your eyes are captivating and when we meet I find myself getting lost in your soft and welcoming glare.  You make me laugh in the most understated and intelligent way.  I laugh at your texts, I laugh when we speak on the phone. Laughing had become so profoundly important to me post loss.  Life is painfully short,  and my loss had taught me so much about what I was looking for in my future – laughter topped my list.

I’ve picked up the pen and continued to write with an intense fervor and fire. Life’s been a journey, I’ve seen joy, I’ve seen regret, but I know that as I continue to write my story, it will only be as beautiful as I allow it to be.

If I am asked today, whether being happy can happen post loss, and without even a seconds hesitation my answer will be a resounding – YES!

The human spirit is capable of immense love.

You don’t replace the man that came before with the man that came after. You absorb the love, the lessons, and you morph into a deeper soul capable of abundant love and a special perspective.

Love is not mutually exclusive and human beings are not replaceable. I’m not moving on – I’m moving forward. I’m writing beautiful new chapters with a man who has the emotional capacity and understanding.

No other place I’d rather be.

This is beautiful, I am trying to live the happiest life that I can. And the Thanks is to YOU, helping me realize that I deserve to be my best.

For the first time in a very long time I felt like the world was made up of just me and one other human being.

I am not sure in this moment why our paths had crossed, but I know deep in my gut you would be, in some capacity, part of my story.

To what extent, only time would tell………

Unlimited FUN without poking your pockets

There can be nothing more exciting than looking forward to the weekends. My little girl wishes the weeks to be just five days where she can plan for three days school and two days unlimited fun on the weekend. She is well aware that mamma is surely going to plan something great for the weekend and I do. I make sure kids are not glued to the screen or spend an unplanned day which may leave them feel dis-organized and overwhelmed. Keeping most of the day unchanged and in routine like the week days I always try to plan an outing with kids.

This weekend we went to Sarasbaug,which is the heart of the city (Pune) and also houses a famous Ganesh Temple also known as Talyatla Ganpati. Thousands of devotees visit the temple daily and the number goes up on occasions and special days. After a little time spent inside the temple we headed towards the adjoining garden area.It is a big garden space with a few swings for children to play and an artificial lake. The lake also has a fountain. The trees and the grass are well maintained. Kids enjoyed playing for some time there, we took the badminton racquets and a ball. After spending about an hour in the greenery we moved out near the adjoining food joints.

Parking for four wheeler is a little problem but as we went there in a cab, it was easy for us.

As we entered the so called “Chaupati” area we could see huge giant wheel and other rides like Columbus, Mary-go-round, Tora-Tora and a few for small kids also, like the Chhota Bheem train and small car ride. The stall honchos rush towards the customer to lead them to their respective stalls. One can imagine the Chaupati similar to the Mumbai Chaupati. There are lots of food joints serving Bhel puri, Paani puri, Pav bhaji and other delicious eateries. They are serving the best chat varieties and other quick-bites including Chinese, South Indian and fast foods dishes. I personally suggest the bhel and pav bhaji, the must-haves and relished by us. Kids bought ballons and candy floss. I had my favorite sweetcorn. As the sun was setting the lights in the area made it a bright and gleamy affair. I could see kids enjoying every bit.

This is a centrally located place in the city, just a kilometer away from the main Swargate bus stand. Commuting is not a problem due to easily available bus and auto-rickshaw services. It proved to be a great place for kids to spend time and take rides. The climate was also one of the factors we enjoyed the outing. The day was spent well within a budget of 5-6 hundred rupees, of course excluding our cab ride to and fro.

My girls are ready to spend another day there, playing and enjoying rides. Being a single parent I want to ensure my girls are getting their share of fun moments like any other child with both parents around. My motto is to guarantee fun and joyful moments as memories and create a strong bond as siblings and as mother-daughter accord. So I keep trying to make the weekends more energizing, wonderful and entertaining.